So there’s this guy. Let’s call him Tommy. Tommy is super smart. Super sweet. A genuine and sincere human. Tommy and I met at a music industry party. Not one of those douchey ones, but a more intimate one. Somehow he and I started talking and I guess something in me assumed he was someone I should know. Someone important. Plus there was something endearing about him. I wasn't attracted to him sexually at all. But we were talking over beer. I could tell he was really, really smart. We exchanged numbers. I thought it was business related.
Fast forward to six dates later. We’ve fucked twice. I cried one of those times (though he doesn’t know that). Not because he’s rapey. Not because it was bad. But because my feelings confused me. And maybe I wanted it to feel like something else. And maybe he was doing all the things right, like touching me in the right places. And gripping me the way I like. And biting my lower lip. And squeezing my arms and making me feel sexy, and womanly. But there was always a part of it that felt rather mechanical. Like that this is what he always does when he fucks girls. Like maybe I’m not special? Or maybe he’s just not special enough for me?
There’s no furniture in his apartment. I keep thinking about that. No artwork. No carpets. Just a bed! And a table! And a fridge full of water bottles! That feels so WRONG to me. So symbolically wrong. Everything about him and the sex and that apartment is just empty in a way. Empty and hollow. So maybe that’s the feeling that made me cry. The emptiness of it all. The lack of magic and soulfulness and rich, juicy, tender loving that I so often crave.
I remember my life in New Orleans. Smoky cocktails in dark bars. Jazz at any hour. Some mornings I’d be so gay with joy, walking on the overgrown sidewalks, touching the humidity, hearing the street car buzz and watching the willows move in the wind. I remember thinking to myself, “how can one place be so god damn magical? so full of life?” I remember sensing how ungraspable it was. I wanted to hold onto it but I couldn’t. I tried. I wanted to give that whole city a giant hug. But I couldn’t. All I could do was marvel in it. Dip my toes in the Mississippi, stare up at the sky and smile at the magic surrounding me. Everywhere. Boundless.
I want a love like that.